What it's like to have a special needs child

From the day Joel turned 2 I knew he was different.... something just wasn't clicking. He didn't talk until he turned 3. We thought it was due to him needing a new set of tubes in his ears. When he spoke it was like in his own language. He didn't potty train until a couple weeks after he turned 4. I was told "oh boys are more difficult". In my heart of hearts I knew something wasn't right. Then it was time for kindergarten, two weeks into it I get a call from the school telling me he was socially immature and not ready. They held him back and put him in Pre-Kindergarten. There he excelled. Then we went to regular kindergarten and dealt with some major issues. If his school papers were out of order he would have a fit, if he was told to "pull a card" (a discipline tool they use at school) he would scream and yell and cry. So the school gave me information to send him to a therapist. This was at the end of the school year, so we go to the therapist and she diagnoses him with ADD. We get his medications all figured out during the summer so we were good to go for 1st grade. He still had to go to special ed classes his 1st grade year by the end of 1st great they were REALLY proud of him. Joel was doing wonderful. I thought great, so much easier than the first 3 years of school. I still knew something wasn't right. All the testing came back normal so I just filed it in the back of my head relieved that he was doing so well. His 2nd grade year he only had to go to special ed to learn how to establish friendships, and not be so socially awkward. He was doing great. STILL that nagging feeling that something wasn't right. So I had been doing some research on the internet for some of his behaviors. All of his symptoms lead to autism, high functioning autism. So a month ago I started taking him to therapy. I didn't tell the therapist what I thought, just that I knew something wasn't right. I was supposed to go to his therapist alone last week to discuss diagnosis but the damn electricity was out and I had to stay at home. SO I didn't get to talk to her, at the previous appt. she lead me to believe that she was thinking of Aspberger's Syndrome. High functioning autism.
Now comes today. Kristi came over with her son Seth and his friend, and then her youngest son. Now Joel has a hard time interacting with more than one child at a time. So for Seth to bring a friend threw him off. Then Seth and the friend were talking about Joel's room having germs (it was messy, Seth's never said a negative thing to Joel but I think his friend had something to do with it) Anyway Joel over heard the conversation and was upset. Kristi was getting ready to leave so to keep Joel stress free I sent him to hang out in his room. After Kristi left I yelled for Joel to come upstairs so we could talk. I noticed that his neck was all red. I asked what happened and he said "I'm having a bad day so I wrapped a belt around my neck to kill myself" this out of my 9 y/o baby. This out of my baby who's dad HANGED HIMSELF. I went into hysterics. I couldn't stop crying. I was hyperventilating and had to have Chris talk to Joel because I couldn't. Never in a million years did I imagine this coming. NEVER. We are very open about how it hurt us what his dad did. I called the therapist that is on call and she said that I handled it as well as I could have and that I need to take all ropes and belts out of his room. Which I had already done. We also told Joel he's no longer to be in his room with the door closed. I think we got through to him, but honestly I have no idea if we did. It's so scary. It's so frustrating. I am so sad for him and at the same time get SO frustrated with him... I don't think people with "normal" kids realize how lucky they are. I wish I could make his life easier... I'm trying but damn, it's like we have to take 10 steps backwards to get ONE step forward. I wonder what goes on in his mind? How frustrated he is. When he was five he told me "mommy my brain isn't right, it's not like yours. I don't think right" I'll never forget that. If he knew that at 5 imagine what he feels now.