With every season turn turn turn

So spring has sprung and it feels more like August here in Iowa. I'm not gonna bitch too much we didn't get much of a summer last year and winter was HELL. There are quite a few changes in my life. #1 being I have left the insurance field to join the Criminal Justice field. Starting June 4th I will become a Corrections Officer. There was about a 20% cut in pay, but my mom always said "sometimes you have to take a step back to make two steps forward". This will be an adjustment, I will have to work nights for awhile, but luckily my husband is a stay at home dad and we'll be able to work through it. It should only be for 6 months. BD has been accepted full time into the Culinary Arts program at our local community college. He should have his degree in the next couple of years. Financially I would love for him to go back to work but he'll get some shitty job that he'll hate and we'll suffer for the rest of our lives. This way we only suffer financially for a couple years and then we should be doing good afterwards. It's just frustrating being the breadwinner. I think BD feels he has to show his "dominance" by controlling everything else around him since he doesn't contribute financially. This is really starting to get on my nerves and the people around him. We'll get through this bump in the road but until then I often catch myself daydreaming of when it was just me and Skywalker and I didn't have to answer to anyone. But, I was miserable then too. Oh well. I know we'll get through this. It's just stressful right now.

A little miracle named Cale

I have always been one to try to volunteer as much as possible for things I believe in. One of these things is the Heartwalk here in Iowa. The reason I got involved with this is because my friend and co-worker Anna had a little boy by the name of Cale. She had a fine pregnancy and was shocked when she had her c-section and found out that Cale's valves for his heart were transposed. Within a week after being born little Cale had open heart surgery. So this June i am walking and raising money to support more research for all people effected by heart problems. I'm proud to say that Cale is now a happy healthy almost 1 year old. You can read about his story on his caring bridge site http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/calejones.
So if it moves you please feel free to donate to help continue the fight for babies and people who need the help. You can Follow This Link to donate.
Thanks so much!

Today is the day...

Today I interview for the job I have been working towards for a year now. At 1:45 (CST) I will begin the Corrections Officer interview at the women's prison that is just 10 minutes away from my house.
A year ago I took the exams at the prison and passed and now a year later I have the interview. This comes at such an important time. My current job is relocating in June and will add another 20-30 minutes on my daily commute. I have gained a new supervisor who I have come to realize is one shady mo fo so I want out of here REALLY bad.
This is the first step in what I want to be my new career. I've been going to school for Criminal Justice for the past year. I have been dreaming of becoming a CO for such a long time. This is my chance... TODAY.... I'm not really nervous.... I just want this SO bad.....

Crazy lady

Most of you know that Skywalkers dad was heavily involved in drugs and as a result hanged himself at the age of 22. He did this act in the garage of a neighbor with whom he would use for drugs and a place to crash. She's like 60'sh and really weird. She's insane... she's done a lot drugs in the past (and I think present) and she's mentally handicapped or something. I don't like this woman at all she changed her story around the incidents that occured up to Travis' death.
This weekend Skywalker went to his Uncle's house (Travis' brother) I picked him up yesterday and we went to get ice cream. On the way home we drove by the cemetary that Travis is buried in. Skywalker says "Hi Dad" when we drive by. So he said "Hi Dad" and then says "Mom did you kow that 'Crazy Lady' see's spirits and my dad comes to visit her. She talks to him because she loved him like a son." I was instantly pissed. I said "Skywalker 'Crazy Lady' is CRAZY and she LIES. I said she is lying to you" I said "You know your dad and she doesn't need to be telling you lies like that. So the next time she says anything like that to you you tell her that your mom said she's a liar and she's not supposed to talk to you about your dad. If she does you tell her that I'm going to punch her in the face" Skywalker in his infinate wisdom said "OK Mom, I'll tell her the first part but the last part is inappropriate."

Seriously what the fuck is this idiot thinking?!?! Poor Skywalker has enough issues, and on top of that his dad commits suicide and then he's got some crazy bitch saying 'oh your dad talks to me' I'm sure Skywalker is thinking "why doesn't he talk to me?" I am constantly telling him how much his dad loved him and that it was the drugs that made him want to die.

Seriously I'm so pissed off right now.

I did talk to Skywalker's Aunt and told her what happened as she was not in the room or was his Uncle when this happened. She is pissed and is going to tell the crazy lady to not talk about Travis to Skywalker.

6 years

Six years ago on March 13th I lost my mom to cancer.
I'm not going to go into all the sappy stuff. I do that all the time. Plain and simple my mom was awesome and I love her more than anything!

Here's the thing every year a couple weeks before the anniversary of her death I turn into a raging bitch. I'm super depressed on the day she died. This year I forgot until later in the evening when I saw a quick reminder. I feel awful. I feel like I've failed her. I don't miss her any less, it has gotten easier but I truly never thought I would get to this point. I talked to baby daddy about it. He said that he did notice this year I wasn't bitchier than normal and that it just means that I'm moving on.

I don't want to move on. I never want to be OK with the death of my mom. So am I an asshole or is just part of the whole grieving, accepting process?

You can run and you can hide but you can't run

from cancer. This is a joke between me and my BFF. We can joke about this because we're sick fucks and as you all know my mom died from cancer and her grandmother is currently suffering from cancer. We don't joke because we think it's funny we joke because we don't cry. We're fucked up and we know it.
Now, I have my cancer scare. For the last 3 years I've had this spot on my leg. At first I thought it was a blue ink mark that was some strong ass ink that wouldn't go away. In the past three years this spot has grown and is now more black and purple and part of it is over the skin and part of it is under the skin and it is a funny shape. I've known that it needs to be looked at but something stops me from going to the doctor. It's the whole "it'll never happen to me" type stuff the same thing teen girls like myself do with pregnancy... and yet I gave birth to my son at the age of 18. So obviously this method of thinking has not worked out real well in the past. Also around 3 years ago I was getting a pedicure and the woman doing my toes noticed a gray spot on my toe. I told her I must've bruised it. Well that gray spot, it's still there..... then I've been prone to skin tags ever since I've become a fat ass. I have tons in my armpits and it's rather embarassing and I've been meaning to get them removed but you know who has time for that shit. Then about 6 weeks ago I got this HUGE painful lump in my armpit. I thought maybe it was an ingrown hair or cyst. In the past week it's gone down and come up and gone down. I fuck with it sometimes and a couple days ago I got it to bleed... but it wasn't bright red blood so I'm pretty sure it's some sort of cyst. So Monday I am going to a dermatologist and I'm getting all this shit worked on. This morning after talking to a co-worker about my funky shit she told me that she had a friend that found a funny mole on her back and two years later she was dead. So I'm like well shit. So I go to my lovely friend Google and compare bad skin cancer to good skin cancer. Wouldn't you know it out of 4 of the differences my little mole falls into 3 of the categories for the bad skin cancer. The one it doesn't fall into is the size. They say bad skin cancer is normally the size of an eraser tip on a pencil, mine is a little smaller than that. Now I'm a little nervous. I've had the nervous shits all day and I still have another 6 days before I get to the dermatologist.

I've also not been to the gynecologist since 6 week check up after having Mr. Butts. So it's been 18 months. I go tomorrow to get my junk checked out. I'm currently not on any birth control which again is stupid considering I'm dead set against having any more kids. I suck at taking pills. I forget them, and I'm scurred to do the Mirena because I've read too much (thank you Google) and I'm a crazy bitch on my own I don't need the extra hormones to fuck with my happy pills. I'm thinking about getting a copper IUD. I feel ok with this because my other friends husband is a Gynecologist and she has one so if he's cool with his wife having one then it can't be all that bad. PLUS they don't leak hormones into your body.

So what types of scares have you had? What kind of birth control do you use? Oh and don't tell me the shot because I took that one time and you couldn't pay me to do it again. I had all kinds of issues and my OB actually told me he can't believe the shit is still on the market it's so bad.
So tell me your stories good or bad.

Elise Lambert

I heard about this little angel through a friend... this family is struggling with the diagnosis of a terminal brain tumor in their precious little 4 year old daughter.... Please feel free to read the caring bridge site and send a message... or just say a quick prayer for this little girl.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/eliselambert

nothing fabulous

Nothing much to report my life consists of getting up at 3:30AM to attend 4AM kick boxing or bands class M-F. Work from 6:15-2:45, come home, take a nap, facebook/study (more facebook) weekends clean and study for school...... that's it.

Dr. Phil.. paging Dr. Phil

You know how I told you my sister is pregnant. I don't want to get into too much detail because the details are just mind numbing... Let's put it this way she's 22 years old, no job, no support system because she's screwed over each person in our family one way or another... Now she's pregnant, luckily they are living in his parents basement (did I mention he's turning 31 this month). They have nothing but drama, we're talking domestics, affairs and the list could go on.
After being used over and over by my sister I finally had it and I told her just how I felt. I told her she can't even take care of herself she has no business bringing a baby into her bullshit and that if she had half a brain she'd put the kid up for adoption.
She in turn tried to hint to me that she has slept with my husband... years ago though. I of course know this is totally false and when i asked her for the details she couldn't provide them to me because it would "hurt" me too much. I know without a doubt it's a lie... but really how much hate can you have in your heart to throw YOURSELF under the bus and hint that you slept with your sisters husband (boyfriend at the time). That's a special kind of hate... that's like Sybil crazy.
So why do I still feel like I should be supportive after she's run over me so many times?!?!

Yay for tax refunds!

Today I finally got my federal tax return. First thing I did was pay off my car loan.... now you know it's going to break down. I'll enjoy it until then! Now I can spend that money that I was going to pay on my car loan to pay on all those asshole collection companies. What pisses me off is when you pay one of those places off everyone else starts bugging you. It's like "Look assholes, just because I paid one of you bastard's off doesn't mean I all of a sudden got rich and am going to pay you off. Your time will come."

Raslin', Pride, Snow

I'm a bad blogger.... I've just been SWAMPED no drama to report besides my sister being pregnant and homeless but we'll get into that more later. It makes my head hurt right now.

The past month I've started the spring semester at school, joined kickboxing again (-3 lbs too!), and have been trying to keep the boys busy with the cabin fever we've been suffering from this ungodly amount of snow. Seriously Fuck YOU Al Gore you lying bastard! I let you get away with claiming the internet but now... now I really fucking hate you. (FYI I know the snow is "supposed" to be part of Global Warming but here's the thing Global warming is complete bullshit so I take every chance I get to make fun of it)

Last night we got Skywalkers report card and I'm proud to say that my ADD Asperger child got ALL A's and B's! Yay Skywalker! This was good news for him because Mommy was feeling extra generous when we went to WWE Raw Live, he got two little souveniers instead of one LOL!

Here's some pictures from the past month or so:

Happy Birthday Momma, I miss you

Sunday January 10th my Mom should've been turning 55 years old. We should've been out to dinner to celebrate, she should be rejoicing in the love of her 3 grandsons... but that's not the case. My mom was ripped from me on April 13th 2004. She was stolen from Skywalker who's little world revolved around her and hers around him. Ripped from us by an evil known as Cancer.
My mom was an amazing woman... she celebrated her 49th birthday with close friends and family knowing full well this would be her last one. She joked about how she would never have to say she's 50.
The pain that I felt that day she was ripped from me is one I will NEVER forget. I have lived with this pain for going on 6 years now. The pain is still there. I laugh, I smile, but there is not one day, one hour, one minute, one second that passes that I don't have that pain. The pain is more tolerable as each year passes but it is still there.
My mom was my best friend, she was my safe zone. If I didn't feel good, if I was having an off day all I had to do was crawl in bed with Mom and watch Lifetime or TLC and the world would become right. If I needed to share the joy of a new milestone reached by Skywalker I called her and she would say "Oh, sounds like Grandma needs to buy him a pony" and if she would have had a place to put them he'd have his own herd.
I gave birth to Skywalker with my mom by my side... complete ease is what I felt... Mom's here all is OK. I thank God I had her to help me with Skywalker for his first 5 years. She helped me to prepare for Zaber and Mr. Butts. To know when to freak out and when not to.
So Mom, Happy Birthday I hope that you are proud of me and my kids.... and I hope you are in the most beautiful place ever because you deserve it.
Love,
Linz

Lifestyle change

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm going back to kick boxing and back on my high protein low carb diet. I am so pumped about this. I'm going to get ME back. I got my first of 3 bottles of water down and I think I'm going to be alright!

Police Cars, Ambulances, and Fire Trucks Oh my!

Monday evening Mr. Butts gave us the scare of a life time. I of course was hard at work playing WoW on my computer when I hear BD scream "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, HE'S CHOKING!" I see him holding Mr. Butts who is trying to breath and can't. I instantly go into Super Mommy mode and fly across the room, grab Mr. Butts and think to myself ABC, ABC, FUCK what does ABC MEAN? FUCK how do you do the heimleich to a 1 year old?!?!? Then in my mind I picture the little diagram from 10 years ago when I was a daycare teacher and had to take CPR and First Aid. I scream at BD CALL 911! He gets on the phone and instantly becomes retarded. Jumping up and down screaming "THE PHONE WON'T WORK THE PHONE WON'T WORK!!" So his sister whips out her cell phone and dials. In the mean time I've get Mr. Butts at an incline face down and I'm hitting his back I hear a cry... Thank GOD... so I flip him over and do the two finger swipe. NOTHING but he's now coughing and crying. BD is on the phone with the 911 operator and they decide to send paramedics and fire trucks, and the police to our house to make sure all is well. (Yeah can't fucking wait for that bill) When they arrive Mr. Butts is all smiles and wanting to be picked up and held by them. While I look like I've just gone to war as I'm dreanched in sweat and my eyes are bulging out of my head. BD I'm pretty sure had suffered a heart attack as the paramedics were more concerned about HIM then Mr. Butts it seemed. They prescribed him a beer and rest. LOL. BD did the relaxing part as he does not drink. I think BD, myself, and Sister-in-law will be taking a course on CPR and First Aid here in the near future as BD feels awful for not being able to do anything. He kept saying "what if you hadn't been here?" I know that Super Daddy mode would've kicked in and all would've been fine but to make him more prepared I think the class is a good idea. Oh and the ABC's yeah Airway, Breath, Compression... I think... which doesn't help with the heimleich LOL I remembered 20 minutes after the incident.

Life with Zaber...

I'm relaxing on the couch while BD is in the kitchen cooking (you know where he belongs)
Zaber is in the kitchen painting with his water colors
All of a sudden this is what I hear

BD:"Zaber- what, seriously?!? AGAIN?!?! You did it AGAIN?!?!"
Zaber: "I was thirsty Daddy"
BD: "That's it, you're not allowed to use your paints, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP DRINKING THE WATER IT'S NASTY"

I start giggling uncontrollably because apparently this has happened on more than one occasion.

Zaber comes in the living room with a big smile on his face... that is stand by the blackish brownish stain of paint water.....

I asked BD later "so how many times has he done this?" he sighs and says "Like 3 or 4 fucking times, seriously WTF is wrong with our kid?"
LMFAO

Earlier in the day I went temporarily insane and took Zaber to the grocery store with me. He was being an asshole as usual. So I had threatened him a couple times... On the way home he pipes up from the backseat.
"Mom, if you drive me nuts ONE more time I'm going to kick your ass, do you understand me?!?!" Looks like I'm screwed already this year for my Mother of the Year award. Dammit!

You like me, YOU REALLY LIKE ME?!?!

O-M-G I've had several new people commenting on my blog. I wonder where they found me? Aw hell who cares!
First I'd like to thank Heather for introducing me into the blogging world
I'd like to thank my family for being super fucked up so I have stuff to write about....
And God for making me a rock star.
Thanks new readers I will def. be checking out your blogs too!